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Buy You Might See a Hidden Part of Yourself
When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity
by Leonard Felder, Ph.D.

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Sometimes the reason we get so upset with our relatives is because we know deep inside that we might be, or we might have been at one time, a little bit like they are. For example, one of your relatives might be a problem drinker or cigarette smoker and you might be a passionate ex-drinker or ex-smoker who can't tolerate being around someone who reminds you of how you once were. Or one of your relatives might be extremely frugal with money-some would say cheap-and you don't like the part of yourself that is or once was extremely frugal with money.

Or if one of your relatives has a weight problem and you have spent a lot of time and energy trying to hide or overcome your own weight problem, you might feel angry or humiliated when your overweight relative reaches for that extra piece of dessert. Or if you are insecure about your own educational level or social status, then a relative's grammatical errors might make you cringe. Or if a family member has questionable taste in clothes, furnishings, or films and you don't want anyone to notice the fact that you also grew up on the less affluent side of town, then you might notice yourself feeling horrified every time your family member commits a fashion faux pas.

As a psychotherapist, I find it fascinating and useful whenever I hear a counseling client getting upset or ranting about a family member's imperfections. It is usually the beginning of a wonderful opportunity for growth for the person sitting in front of me. Specifically, if you take a step back and look at each of the times you feel embarrassed or horrified by someone in your family, you may be able to identify the personal issues that make you most self-conscious, self-critical, or insecure.

In this way, your family member's disturbing behavior provides you with a valuable road map of issues you will need to face yourself if you are going to become a more healthy, relaxed, and self-accepting person. In fact, making a mental note of the things you can't stand about your relatives gives you a crucial set of clues as to what you may want to improve in yourself.

The "Thank You for Being So Unpleasant" Card

I sometimes advise my counseling clients to write but not send an unusual thank-you note to their most obnoxious or insensitive family member, saying something like, "Dear_________, I am so glad you are in my life. Because of you, I have seen more clearly than ever how I don't want to treat people. You are a brilliant example of exactly what I don't want to be like. Thank you for being an example that I will carry inside my mind and utilize for the rest of my life."

Some clients have enjoyed simply speaking these words aloud in my office, while others have actually written out the "Thank you for being so unpleasant" card. Whether you say these words to a counselor or friend, or whether you write them down and then tear up the card, the goal is to help you tap your sense of humor and your sense of clarity about how this difficult relative is an "inspiration"-of exactly the kind of person you don't want to become. I insist that you do not send the card to your relative because that would surely stir up additional friction and feuds.

There is an important second step in this technique of learning about the type of person you would like to be. The second step is to write down on a piece of paper the two divergent sets of qualities you see in this difficult family member who has been getting on your nerves. Answer the following questions, perhaps in a journal:

1. What traits of this relative do I admire and want to emulate?

2. What traits of this relative do I despise and want to avoid in my own life?

3. What kind of changes should I make and what help will I need to ensure that I don't perpetuate in my own life what I have found so offensive in this family member?

Instead of just getting upset at your difficult relatives, this powerful exercise allows you to learn about yourself and become wiser and healthier. It's as though your most frustrating family members hold a secret gift for you-some clues about the struggle to become a far more compassionate, creative, and decent person than he or she has been.

"She's Just a Ditz"

To illustrate this exercise, I'll use the example of a client named Carol, a divorced woman in her thirties who entered therapy because she wanted to find out what was holding her back from having a successful love relationship. If you met Carol, you'd be shocked to find out that she has been without a serious romantic partner for almost nine years. She's attractive, intelligent, and extremely considerate to her parents, her friends from work, and her elderly neighbors in the apartment building where she lives.

But when I ask Carol about her family background, I see her face turn a bit red with anger as she begins to describe her painful estrangement from her younger sister, Patricia, who has been married three times. "We were very close when we were young kids, but I have been upset with Patricia for many years. She's just a ditz-I'd say she has as much common sense as a gerbil."

I learn that Carol is angry with her younger sister because Patricia "always throws herself at men. She's caused my parents huge amounts of heartache. And she continues to be extremely unreliable and immature. Every time there's a family gathering and Patricia shows up, late as usual, I feel like taking her aside and screaming at her to grow up already."

In this counseling session with Carol, I have two choices. I can just nod my head in agreement and not ask her to go too deeply into her own issues. Or I can begin to help Carol do some inner work and turn her frustrations about her younger sister into an opportunity for growth.

As you can probably guess, I choose to go for the inner work. I ask Carol, "Would you be interested in finding out whether your strong negative feelings about Patricia might be a clue about some important issues that are stirring inside of you?"

Carol is a little unsure at first. She says, "What do you mean? I'm just telling you why I can't stand my sister. This has nothing to do with me or my issues."

I ask Carol to trust me for a moment, and I promise that if the exercise I suggested feels uncomfortable or uninformative, we can move on to something else. She agrees to give it a try, so I give her a pad of paper and ask her to write down her first reactions to these three questions:

1. Is there anything about Patricia that you do like and would want to incorporate into your own life?

2. Is it possible that Patricia's behavior is upsetting because it reminds you of something that is hidden or unexpressed in your own personality?

3. Is there anything about Patricia that you would be willing to describe in an unusual thank-you note (and not send) to say how much you have learned from Patricia about the kind of person you do not want to be?

This brings a smile to Carol's face. She quickly writes a scathing thank-you note:

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for being such a perfect example of the kind of woman I don't want to be. You dress like a fancy hooker and you let men treat you like dirt. You make terrible decisions, always in a rush, without thinking through the consequences. You are the high priestess of self-sabotage. Keeping you in mind will help me make sure I don't fall into the traps you've repeatedly fallen into.

Then we discuss Patricia's good qualities-her spontaneity, her love of music and dance, her joie de vivre, and her love of animals, especially how well she cares for her three cats and two dogs.

Finally, we consider the first question. For a moment, Carol is silent. Then a tear begins to emerge from one of her eyes and slowly move down across her cheek.

Carol takes a minute more to let her thoughts wander and then tells me, "When I was in high school I was a lot like Patricia. I was fun, creative, full of life. But I got pregnant by accident and after a long, painful process of trying to make the right decision, I got an abortion. And the guy took off. Ever since then I've been extremely cautious and guarded in relationships, which is understandable, I guess. But I've also been very resentful of Patricia and her wild life. It's upsetting just to be around her and see her doing things in such a carefree way. I don't understand it, but I get quite agitated inside just from hearing her stories or seeing how she acts."

Over the next several sessions, Carol and I work to sort through these complex issues and emotions. We do some intensive grief work to explore her feelings regarding the abortion and about being betrayed by the boyfriend. I direct Carol to write a series of thank-you notes to Patricia (that were torn up and never sent) in which Carol pours out her feelings about how much she has learned from witnessing Patricia's mistakes with men.

We also begin to explore the aspects of Carol and Patricia's "wildness" that are acceptable or unacceptable to Carol now. Knowing all that she knows and having experienced all that she has experienced, Carol is able to sort out calmly what kind of cautiousness she feels is necessary and what kind of sensuality she now is willing to explore.

This inner work, which was first triggered by Carol's strongly judgmental feelings about her younger sister, became the basis for several breakthroughs in Carol's life. Carol gradually opened up a bit in her relationships with men and began dating more regularly. She also became a lot less judgmental of Patricia, and much closer to her. As Carol explained, "Patricia is still not the sharpest blade on the saw when it comes to her dealings with men. But I don't feel as agitated about her private business as I once did. Now when Patricia and I get together for dinner and a movie, or a visit to a museum, we don't try to change each other. We just enjoy being sisters again with a whole lot of closeness and warmth. She still is a bit of a ditz. But she's family and she's taught me a heck of a lot about how to put on makeup, how to change my haircut to bring out my best features, and how to accessorize my favorite outfits. We sometimes disagree about things, and we occasionally argue, but we both know that our love for each other is deeper than whatever tensions flare up between us. After years of being enemies, we're just plain old sisters again, and I'm glad she's in my life."

Carol recently met a man and it looks promising that their relationship may lead to marriage and a family. She's been fortunate that the man she's fallen in love with is quite self-aware and willing to do the hard work of making a relationship successful. He's caring enough to know that Carol has been betrayed before and needs to be treated with a great deal of honesty and respect.

I can't guarantee that everyone who writes an unsent note saying "Thank you for being such a horrific example of who I don't want to be" is going to have a reconciliation with his family member or a breakthrough in her personal life. But I do promise that you will gain a lot of wisdom about who you are and what you want to become if you stop judging your family members and start using their imperfections as a clue for your own inner searching.

Why not start today? Whenever you notice yourself getting worked up or self-righteous about the misbehavior of someone in your family, be sure to slow down and ask yourself: What positive traits do I want to pick up from this person? What hidden or unexpressed aspect of my own personality is this person forcing me to look at? What negative traits do I want to avoid?

If you utilize this technique, you are bound to find yourself reacting a lot less when your relatives misbehave. Instead, you will be able to focus on enjoying this person's company and at the same time protecting yourself from his or her frustrating qualities. Rather than spending family gatherings with your stomach knotted up, you can rise above the unpleasantness and hopefully enjoy some moments of closeness and warmth.

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About the Author

Leonard Felder, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer and recognized expert on how to improve personal relationships, his books have sold more than 1 million copies and he has appeared on more than 200 television and radio programs, including Oprah, NBC's The Today Show, CBS's The Early Show, CNN, A.M. Canada, National Public Radio, and ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have been together since 1980, and they are the parents of a 12-year-old son, Steven.